Sunday, February 19th will be the 7th Anniversary of Jackson’s death, and February 23rd will be his 12th birthday.
I feel almost like I’ve lived two lives. There are the years “before Jackson” and “after Jackson.” Our first family was Chris, myself, Jackson & Harry. Jackson was my first baby. He was my buddy, and all those first memories are so sweet. I got to see him become a big brother. He and Harry had the sweetest bond. We were thrown into the medical world mere months after he was born. His life involved routines of medicines, trying new medicines, weaning off of medicines, infections, specialty pharmacies, doctor’s visits, UVA hospital visits, procedures, getting second opinions at three children’s hospitals, and fighting with insurance for coverage from about the time Jackson was 4 months old until he died. Chris researched endlessly to find a treatment that we felt was the best care for him. We managed a lot. When Jackson died, there was a part of me that felt a tremendous sense of relief because all of that care was suddenly gone, but I also felt lost.
Then, we became a family of three. Harry was our only child. We did all kinds of fun things together that we weren’t able to do because of Jackson’s care. We mainly traveled and went camping. Harry kept us going because I had to show up for him as a mother. There was a lot of snuggling.
Now we are back to a family of four. Harry was four when Kellan was born. That age difference can sometimes be difficult. They are getting to be better friends as Kellan has gotten older, but it’s not the same as Jackson & Harry’s relationship. Kellan’s entry was dramatic and traumatic for all of us, and he has had high needs and high energy his whole life. Harry had a hard time adjusting the first one or two years, but I do feel like we’re in a good flow with our family now. Kellan is a sweet, tender hearted boy, but hyperactive and impulsive at times. He keeps us on our toes for sure. We call him our “hype man” cause he is loud and has a lot of energy!
It is still healing for me to write. Right after Jackson died, I felt like the words flowed easily. Through the years, it’s been harder for me to blog as frequently because of time. I blog phrases or thoughts sometimes. They aren’t in any organized writing so I just leave them as my private thoughts. Occasionally, some of those thoughts get written. In the fall, spring and summer, going on a long walk or a run is healing for me. When it gets 45 degrees though, I draw the line. So for the winter, I still do strength training as consistently as I can and I also find time to rest. I usually plan for a day a week to do kickboxing class. I do yoga and I stretch. When I do those things, I feel good. When I slack off, I have low back pain, lots of tension in my neck, and my mental health starts to go downhill too. So for me, moving my body consistently is what is best.
My experience is that grief is talked about a lot more now than it was twelve years ago. Not only that, but more research has been done and that information is easily accessible. Learning about grief has helped me. The most impactful thing I have learned is that I will be forever a changed person. It takes time to heal, and that is ok. I think healing has occurred because just the nature of the passage of time, and also purposeful time set aside to process my feelings. I usually give myself the space to write things down or cry and usually, pray. I think about Jackson every day, but I do not have an intense pain every time that I do.
There are those moments when my grief pierces me in the heart, hard, quickly and with no warning. When I’m driving and I see a Reynolds Hamrick hearse, immediate fast flowing tears come. The staff at Reynolds Hamrick were amazing to us. Those hard moments, where the heartache feels like that of the first days after Jackson died, pass, but they can be intense. For years, every time I heard an ambulance, it would startle me and bring back memories or a panicked feeling. Where we live now we hear fire trucks frequently and when we first moved in I was unsure how it was going to go. I feel a little more desensitized to it now, but the sounds will still get me sometimes.
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I had to have a cry break after that sentence. The staff at Reynolds Hamrick truly were so kind on some of the worst days of our life, from picking up Jackson’s body to delivering his ashes. I’m thankful for the special people who do that job. One day I want to write them a thank you note if I can get myself to physically sit down and do that. So far, I have not been able write the letter.
It’s hard to see our young group of children growing up sometimes. I’m so proud of our group of kids and seeing them mature is amazing and wonderful. I still love seeing them, but there are some gatherings that sting a little. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to continue watching them grow or that I’m grief stricken at everything, but sometimes, yeah it hurts. That’s ok and it’s natural for the situation. I am okay with the fact that I may feel a little sadder sometimes than others. I’ve made new friends that never knew Jackson. For a while I felt like I could only be friends with people who knew him and what happened. I used to practice how to introduce the topic of have having another child who has died. I still do sometimes. I’ve practiced enough or bumbled around enough to kind of know when it feels right to bring it up or not. Sometimes I want to bring it up to break the ice, but I don’t want to blurt it out if it’s not really on topic. I’m more comfortable with it now. There are also people who I meet and can tell pretty quickly that they get it. They may have lost a child, or they have experienced loss, or be an empathic person. It’s like they can see a part of my soul. When I find a friend like that I am very thankful. I am forever thankful for my sixbestpals girls. They know me inside and out, from a young child to a 37 year old, with and without Jackson, and have supported me all these years in amazing ways and our friendship is beyond precious to me.
This past summer we had been living at Nanny’s while we looked for a house. We had stored Jackson’s battery powered motorcycle that he used to ride around inside and outside of our house there. After he passed away, I wanted to keep it, but I couldn’t bear to look at it. Kellan found it and asked if we could get a battery for it and my heart said “Yes! Let’s do it!” Chris put a superpower charged battery in it, and Harry drove a little and then Kellan drove it as fast as he could until it died and wouldn’t start again. That symbolism felt healing and appropriate to me. I was glad it went out like it did. I cried, but it was a happy and fun cry, healing. We still have it stored because I’m not ready for it to be gone. There have been some things I have been able to get rid of that I was attached to more at the beginning of grief. I follow my natural gut feelings and trust my heart when it comes to letting objects go. When a reminder or object becomes a source of pain every time I look at it, I may decide it’s time to let it go or put it away in storage.
Jackson Winter 2014
We moved this summer and along with that came all the unpacking of boxes. I did as much as I could before we started school with the plan of going through some more around Christmas break. Getting out our Christmas decorations was fun and I have Jackson’sornaments that I know I’m going to see. I put up and took down our Christmas tree according to what my gut was telling me was the best time to do that and that time I use as a way to heal purposively. So I wait until I feel ready, and I put up the tree. I go through every ornament, even if they make me cry. And then, when I am ready to repeat that process when I put everything away, I put the tree away. However, going through our other random boxes wrecked me. It completely broke me down for a good week plus. I believe there was something of Jackson’s or something with a memory in every single box I unpacked. It’s poetically beautiful that he was in every single box, but ugh. I started reading his medical records and I’ve decided that is not the best way to heal for me. I’ve already read them enough through the years and it hasn’t helped me. It’s a thing to store. There is some crying that is cleansing and calming and then there is some crying that is so painful it causes too much distress and it becomes unhelpful. For me, reading all the new research on rare diseases trying to still figure out what disease process took my child brings a negative spiral of thoughts that isn’t healthy. I just got to the point where I organized as much as I could and then I straightened it up as best as I could and haven’t been down there since to organize.
This is the time of the year that I take out Jackson’s urn. I have keepsakes inside the box as well. I pick a time where I will be alone and I go through the things one at a time. I usually pick up ashes and let them run through my fingers and then rub my hands together until it’s no longer. The boys know about his ashes and they ask to see them occasionally. Kellan says, “Can you show me Jackson’s rocks?”.
If you see me tearful, crying or look like I have been, don’t panic. I’m okay, just sad. Nothing you say will make it worse. Some of the most supportive interactions I have had have been a good hug with no words. If you do want to say something, but aren’t sure what to say, examples like “We miss him too.” “We remember Jackson.” “We know this time of year is hard.” are all great things. If you don’t want to say anything, let’s just treat it like it’s any time of the year.
I think that the grieving process has to be done in a way that feels right to you and when you feel ready, but you also need to give yourself some time to sit and think/grieve. You have to make purposeful time to grieve. Allowing yourself to feel the ugly, anger, utter heartache and/or think the thoughts swirling in your mind is the only way to heal. You have to let those feelings out. If you stuff them down in the wrong way, they’ll come out in a way that is not helpful or healthy. If you’d like more information on that, read “The Body Keeps the Score.” I’m still finding how to best purposefully grieve in a way that helps me heal. That’s what takes time. Everyone is so different in all those ways! You just have to trust yourself.
February is here. I get through the 19th and 23rd. My niece was born on Feb. 24th, 2021 and I love it and see it as a gift from God. The holidays are hard no matter what, but February is the hardest. I take it a day at a time. I choose to stay in more than out because when I am doing heavy grieving it takes a lot of energy. I used to feel guilty that I didn’t interact as socially in years past during this month, but this year I’m giving myself permission to grieve as needed. It’s an exhausting process. When Jackson first died, I could tell you how many days, weeks and months had passed for a long time. Every Friday night was a grieve fest, another week with him. Every 23rd was another month without him. I don’t count the time like this anymore. But I still remember Feb. 8th vividly. That was the night Chris took him to the ER and we were rushed to UVA via ambulance and our lives changed dramatically in terms of his health. I remember what those days were like from then until he died. I remember in great detail the night he died. Parts of it play over in my head randomly. This next week will be the hardest for me. Sometimes I think it’s like my brain is still trying to truly grasp the loss.
I can’t talk about healing without talking about God. My prayer life is rich and deep. It has ebbed and flowed throughout the years. There were times I was too angry to talk to God. There were and are times my prayers are just tears. There are songs that I love and listen to when I need them. His words sustain me. The strength he gives me keeps me going and His peace calms my heart and mind.
These are the things I’ve learned in the seven years I’ve been grieving the loss of Jackson. I’m sure I’m a baby in the world of grieving and I’ll learn more as life goes on, but I have true hope in God’s promises of glory and healing in eternity with him. I believe Jackson is in God’s safekeeping until I join, Amen.
I’ll end with one one of my favorite verses is “I lift my eyes to the mountains. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth.” Psalm 121
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