The night before Father’s Day I had a dream about my sweet Jackson. I’ve had a handful of dreams with him in them despite praying for them more frequently than they happen. I dreamed that Jackson had not actually been dead this whole time, but asleep. We had realized we just needed to give him some medicine to help him stay awake and essentially, be alive. The feelings I felt in that dream were amazing; It was so vivid and real. I remember him looking right at me and beaming this beautiful smile and saying “we figured it out mommy”. Then I woke up. I was crushed beneath the weight of his death all over. The eternal application I like to think about is that one day he will say that to me, and it will be true. It will not be a dream but our reality. We will be reunited and not separated again. That’s comforting to me, but I will say that the dream I had put me in a really hard, painful, emotional place for most of the week.
On the next weekend, I was driving with the boys to my parent’s house. My sister, her husband and my niece are visiting from Peru and we are having so much fun being together! The night before I left we had a huge storm with a lot of rain. On the drive I was thinking about the summer before Jackson died. It was the best summer we ever had all together. He felt really the best he ever had and Harry wasn’t so much of a baby so we were able to do a lot of fun things and make so many good memories. I was thinking about the time we went to play at the playground but it had stormed the night before so the playground was still really wet. Instead of playing on the playground, I told the boys they could just play in the puddles in the parking lot. They had so much fun!
That evening at my parents house, we were fixing dinner and we had a huge thunderstorm. At some point, we all ended up on my parent’s front porch watching the storm. The storm settled down after a few minutes and while I went inside for a minute, Harry ended up on the sidewalk in the rain. As I was coming back outside, August, my almost 2 year old niece, joined Harry. That was hilarious because she had not experienced the rain that way and made the funniest faces as she got wet, but she loved it. Watching them play in the rain just made my day!
Then a few minutes later the sun came out. I looked for a rainbow because it was still raining a little. I was delighted to see the biggest rainbow I’ve ever seen at my parents home. You can faintly see the double rainbow above it.
I think I’ve said this before, but I can’t quite remember. I don’t really believe in coincidences like this. I believe they in God-made coincidences. How else would these things just fall into place like this randomly? God is good, and he loves us. God is kind, and he comforts us. This was just what my heart needed after a week full of grieving.
Thank you, Abba.