You ever make this awesome declaration and then end up having to take it back …..Yeah, that’s me! So I was honestly gearing up to run a half marathon in April. I mean, I blogged about it so I had to be serious 🙂 However, my ankle was not cooperating at all. It ached pretty decently every time I added mileage, then I twisted it in the yard walking, and then I twisted it again even harder. I was beyond bummed. I had finally decided I was going to work harder on my physical health and my body was not having it. My foot/toes were numb, and I had shooting pain up to my knee. I got an X-ray to make sure there was nothing fractured just to be sure, and started doing PT. After about 3 weeks of not doing much, I ended up talking to another wrestling mom who told me about how much she was loving CrossFit. I had tried a bootcamp about 4 years ago and had actually signed up to start working out there, but then Jackson died and working out was just not high on my list of survival.
So I know a handful of people at the gym the mom was talking to me about so I decided to reach out and try it. I’ve been there for my trial month, and I’m going to continue doing it. Let me tell you about how OUT of my comfort zone I’ve been! Whew! First of all, the Crossfit language has me looking stuff up all the time. A “newb” as Harry would call me. Also, the handful of people I know haven’t worked out at the same time as me, so I’m pretty much there with strangers. I’m getting to know some people slowly though, and it’s actually been fun making new friends. I’ve always worked out, but not like they do at Crossfit. So I usually have very little idea of what the WOD is and need help, but that’s ok! You know, we pushed Harry to do his wrestling competitions this year. He loved practice, but was nervous about scrimmages and the competitions. Then he did them, and he loved it! So I decided if I’m going to encourage my child that way I should be able to encourage myself to do new things too. So here I am, always sore and stretching mentally and physically, and I love it!
February was hard. It always is, and I’m sure it always will be. This year was hard in a different way. A dear friend from childhood had a child die this year in February. The week before he died so many people pleaded with God to let the surgeons find a way to ensure his survival. I prayed so hard that they would not have to know the pain that comes with losing a child. If you don’t have faith, it’s a bizarre thing to understand how you can pray for something, not get your answered prayer and still become closer to God. But that is what happens when you are in a relationship with Him. I honestly have not been on my knees in prayer to him since Jackson, but I fell on the floor so many times in tears and prayer for this family, for my family, for our boys who are now together in God’s safekeeping. It doesn’t make the heartache any less, but there is a comfort that comes only from having that relationship with God. I had many tearful days, and one day that all I did was cry. I sat in my bathroom floor and cried for a long time until Chris came to check on me. But sometimes, that’s all you can do and that’s okay.
So we went to Great Wolf Lodge on the anniversary of Jackson’s death. We told the boys we were there to celebrate his birthday, which in a way we were doing that too since Jackson’s birthday is a few days after the anniversary. Really, it’s just not a day we feel like we can just sit at home because it’s too painful. We rode all the rides so many times. We ate chocolate cake each night, maybe once during the day one time too. I had some alone time where I sat on our balcony and watched this group of birds fly back and forth. I cried and asked God to just sit with me. Then, the boys came busting back in the door wanting to do something else. And that’s just kind of how my life is. I take my moments and my boys bring me back.
I wanted for my childhood friend to know so badly that she will be ok in time. I don’t remember much of the first year after Jackson died to be honest. Or even that much of the second year. I remember asking someone “How will I survive this?” because at the beginning you feel like you can’t. But I know now that I am ok and I can still feel so much joy even when my heart is always broken. Here we were, on the anniversary of our son’s death, at a water park, and I experienced such joy during that trip watching my boys and having fun with them. On Sunday morning in bible class we were reading in 2 Corinthians about Paul and he said “in all our troubles, my joy knows no bounds.”It’s something you can’t really describe-to be so sorrowful yet joyful. Anyone who has had any kind of trauma or brokenness or loss that has been able to find some joy after understands how you can feel these two emotions at once. If all we felt was endless joy we would not yearn for Heaven like we are supposed to so the sorrow has it’s place. I’m just so thankful that I have hope that will not disappoint me that one day, by the grace of God, I will be in Heaven, with Jackson and most importantly, my Heavenly Father.