We went camping this weekend. It was somewhat spur of the moment, and I have to admit I was a little grumpy about it. Actually, a lot grumpy about it. I fussed about how much work it was to pack everything and how I would have so much work to unpack again all for one night. Kellan is into everything, and it felt overwhelming.
But I had forgotten how healing nature is for the soul. The nature that God created provides so much beauty, wonder, and divine comfort. This is what I craved the summer after Jackson died. To camp and to experience God’s healing through nature.
Honestly, I was still grumpy the morning after camping. I didn’t get to sit and hang out by the fire with Chris because the children needed me. I was jealous he got to relax out there while I watched Rio with Harry for the 100th time.
Then the next morning, we walked down to a waterfall. A waterfall I’ve seen several times. This time it was more beautiful. The sound of the rushing water started to wash away my tension. Harry and I watched the butterflies landing near us. I got to witness Kellan get in the “creek” for the first time. Then I started thinking about all the firsts we got to see with Kellan this camping trip. First time in the pool (he loved it), first time at dancing to music in the pavilion (he also loved it) and his first time playing in the creek (he ate rocks, threw rocks, and loved it). So much joy!
I let Satan steal my joy too often. Raising children is hard. I get caught up in the “work” of it all sometimes. This weekend made me really look at how I need to focus on the beauty and wonder and divine comfort of raising children and being a wife instead of the negative.
There is this fine line in grief. I’m trying to navigate it so that I allow myself to grieve while also allowing myself to be joyful. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. It’s completely devastating each day knowing Jackson is gone. I think of him so many times a day. I have snowballing PTSD moments when I see an ambulance. No one should ever have to do CPR on their own child. No one should have to remember those painful last moments. Moments that I will probably never write about because they are just too painful.
I looked at the two precious heads in the wagon, and my heart cried out that there should be three precious heads. Jackson should be here. Why did my son have to die? It hurts beyond any words that could ever describe it.
But I was so joyful that I got to experience the camping trip through the eyes of my two living boys. There is so much life & joy in their little hearts!
When we got home, Harry and I checked on our catbird nest we have been watching for a few weeks. I was honestly a little shocked to see some fuzziness in the nest and not our little blue eggs. And to my utter delight, all but one has hatched so far. It made me so excited!c I find so much joy in birds, and I’m totally okay with the nerdiness.
There is so much joy around me. It doesn’t mean I’m happy 100% of the time, but I can still find joy, be joyful, and teach my children the same.
I’ve decided that I am not going to do a blog series. After feedback from several people, I’ve decided that now is the time to work on my book. I don’t know when I’ll finish it, but it’s on my heart to really start and finish it. I’ve thought about so many topics and ways I want to share Jackson’s legacy to honor God, and this weekend it was made clear to me.
Oh, Her Heart
Richer With Compassion.
Fuller From Being Broken.
Inspired by Loving Someone More Than This Life.
Truer From The Memory Of Kissing Them Goodbye.
She Was Mending.
There Would Still be Pain.
There Would Still Be An Ache For Their Presence.
But In Her Heart, There Was Also More.
There Was Joy.