The month of February was really rough. I expected it to be hard, but it was filled with a lot of brain fog and a heavy exhaustion. There is no manual on grief. We are three years in to our loss, and I am still learning to balance life and grief. I suspect it will always be this way.
I had looked forward to March and to the promise of Spring. But March was kind of hard too. I had been in such deep grief, and I expected the new month to magically stop the grief from being so hard. That’s silly looking back to expect it to just go away because the calendar day changed. Next year I will be more prepared.
April has been really good! When the earth awakens and everything is coming back to life it makes me feel refreshed and happy. I’ve spent a lot of time outside working in the yard and playing outside with the boys. We watch the birds every day. It’s truly been good for my soul! I’m looking forward to a summer of adventures with the boys.
There has been one thing about this grief journey that I have been continually surprised about, and that is how little people talk about their grief. Everyone has or will be touched by grief with some people having more traumatic experiences than others, but it’s still so life changing no matter the grief. The more time I spend with grief the more I am baffled that people don’t talk about it more. It affects every part of my life. Maybe that’s because I feel relief after getting my own feelings out through words.
One day I want to write a book. I’ve always wanted to be a writer. I have never known what I wanted to write about though. After our experiences with Jackson, I have so many ideas in my head I can’t keep them all straight. I do a lot of private blogging about my ideas and thoughts. Writing a book does not feel feasible to me right now because of this season in my life, but at some point I will pursue it more. Right now, I have decided I’m going to do a blog series to cover topics about life and grief. I’m excited about it! As always, I have hoped that by sharing my words that it would just help comfort one person. I’ve have really been inspired to increase awareness about grief after this last intense grief season. I’m not entirely sure what the blog series will look like. I’m still brainstorming, but just know it’s coming.
As always, Holidays are difficult when you are missing a loved one. Easter was the first holiday we experienced without Jackson. I missed him for sure. I thought about how he should be at church activities with us and hunting eggs with us. I always think about what he would have enjoyed the most. Our family picture is always missing him. I gave myself some moments to grieve prior to the weekend. I was stretching in the floor in a rare moment of alone time during the day. Kellan was napping and Harry was in his room playing. I sobbed while I was in child’s pose on my living room rug. It came on fast and was intense. For me, tears provide relief for the intense feelings. I gave myself a few moments, then I wiped my tears off and got back to my day.
On Sunday, I was actually able to sing most of the song “Low in the Grave He Lay”. We chose that as one of the song’s for Jackson’s funeral. I wasn’t able to sing at all at his funeral, and it’s taken me three years to be able to sing this song without tears flowing. But yesterday, I was joyful to sing the song and I felt the power of the resurrection through the song.
I hope that anyone else grieving through the Easter was able to let yourself grieve and to feel God’s comfort and peace. He really does provide in so many ways if you open your heart to him. I hope you know the power of the resurrection and how much Jesus loves you and me.