Bittersweetness

Life is bittersweet. I think I’ve said that a hundred times. It’s a perfect description of life for me and really, I’m ok with it. February was a long month. I have mixed feelings about it being over. Moving away from a time of deep grief is hard. Sometimes I feel like memories of Jackson just slips through my hands like sand, and I’m not quick enough to gather it all up. And if I don’t remember him I am afraid no one else will. I know this isn’t true. It’s hard when life is going on all around you as normal when you feel anything but normal.

I’m looking forward to spring though. The boys and I have been able to take some walks lately, and I love seeing the first buds and blooms promising warmer times. The sun is starting to feel warmer. So it feels like a natural time to let the grief rise away and try focus on the sweet things in life.  I’m sure it’ll be a life long process for me to find that balance.

One thing making my life extra sweet right now is staying home and watching my boys grow. I am so incredibly blessed to be able to stay home with them. It’s SO hard being a mom to little people, but it is so rewarding too. Kell is just starting to explode developmentally, and it is truly amazing to watch. I just love sitting in the floor and watching him try to figure out how to use his little body. His verbal skills are ever increasing so maybe his nickname “Yellin’ Kellan” will start to fade. He has known what he wanted for a long time and for a long time he just yelled at us until he got what he wanted. He finally has some words and each day is saying more and more things. This morning we were playing “Get You” otherwise known as tickling. He told me “get you” and signed more at the same time because he wanted me to keep kissing him. I just love it!

As I’m writing this, Kellan just pointed to the pantry and asked Harry to get him a cookie. Harry was more than happy to climb on the stool to get him a cookie.  They are the sweetest together and I knew Kellan would bring us all some joy. Harry is really starting to come in the big brother role, and I think now that Kellan can communicate more they are getting to be best buddies. They are just what my heart needs.

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